Talking about money with your spouse can feel about as fun as a trip to the dentist. But what if it didn’t have to be that way? Financial intimacy isn’t just about budgets and spreadsheets.
It’s about strengthening your relationship by building trust, aligning your goals, and working together as a team. Ramit Sethi, a personal finance expert and author of “I Will Teach You to be Rich”, has spent more than 20 years helping people transform their money mindset. His newest book, “Money for Couples,” delves into the complex and emotional world of shared finances.
Through his work, Sethi has interviewed hundreds of couples about their money habits, fears, and patterns. The truth is often more intimate than anyone expects. A “rich life,” as Sethi defines it, is an ideal life where a couple’s experiences, relationships, and financial choices make them feel a sense of alignment.
However, establishing that vision isn’t always easy between partners. “Most couples don’t have a shared vision of their ‘rich life,'” Sethi says. “If you don’t see money the same way, you’re going to fight over trivial amounts. But that’s just noise.”
For one person, a rich life might mean being able to pick up their kids from school every day. For another, it’s about booking vacations. The issue at the heart of financial arguments is not the price of your partner’s coffee habit.
It’s the lack of a shared financial vision, plan, and language. When it comes to building wealth as a couple, what matters isn’t just dollars and cents. It’s about trust, connection, and dreaming together.
Sethi points out that one of the most significant problems in couples’ financial communication is timing. “Most couples don’t actually talk about money regularly,” he says. “There are only four times in a relationship when they discuss it in any real way: when they buy a house, have kids, one person gets laid off, or right before retirement.” Essentially, most couples only have meaningful money conversations during significant life events.
That’s way too late.
Talking about money honestly
Many couples’ first attempt at talking about money starts with creating a spreadsheet.
It ends with one person feeling intimidated while the other gets frustrated. “Couples keep repeating this pattern, expecting a different result,” explains Sethi. Instead, he recommends starting with a completely different kind of conversation, one that focuses on emotions, not expenses.
His four-step script is simple and effective:
1. Be vulnerable: “When we discuss money, I feel like it doesn’t go well. I want to change that.”
2. Share your feelings: “I feel stressed, or like I’m not being heard, when we’re talking about finances. How about you?”
3. Express your goal: “I want to feel calm and connected when we talk about our savings and future plans.”
4. Set a next step: “When can we talk about this again?”
Notice that these sample phrases don’t involve budgets or judgments. This initial conversation is just about connection. Achieving peace in a relationship comes down to aligning on your finances, not just on the numbers, but on your values.
You don’t need to talk about your savings accounts every day. But you do need to understand what money means to you, what you want to create in your lives, and how you’re going to work toward that aim together. As Sethi puts it, “You don’t have to solve every problem in one conversation.
But you do have to start talking — honestly, regularly, and with love.” Money isn’t just math. It’s emotion, identity, and aspiration all wrapped into one. And when couples can align on their vision, shift from blame to partnership, and start having honest conversations about what they want, everything changes.
Building a vision of a “rich life” together can be an enriching experience that allows a couple to dream up a bigger, brighter future than either partner could alone. The good news? You don’t need to have it all figured out at the beginning.
You just need to start the conversation.
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